t all begins with a half a bottle of gin and a crazy half cherokee named Gary.The gin was in us... and we were rip roaring... anxious for a little excitement.It was at this point that I realized that it was my ex girlfriend's birthday. That would make it June 21, 1997. I had recently read Thompson's Fear and Loathing... and felt that perhaps I could replicate that feat.
so we gathered are supplies... a case of beer, a bottle of Kentucky Whiskey, and a big jug of Arkansas Wine (I was living there at the time... in the far northwest portion of that fine state)

We took off down the road... (I wasn't smart, I was twenty two). We get about an hour outside of town... just passed the state line when I saw the flashing lights in my rearview mirror.
You know what happened next. I couldn't walk a line... and all of the booze in my back seat didn't help.
I spent the night in the drunk tank, lying on my back against the cold hard floor. After a very difficult call home, which effectively facilitated my release, I was delivered back to my car. They left all of the booze, which I thought was weird.

At that point I had "the fear" That hung over feeling that makes you paranoid and depressed. (I had a touch of that this morning) I felt that I needed to go to Illinois anyway.
To take a little comfort with my ex... and try to think things out. So I drive eleven hours up to Dekalb. When I get there she's cold, at work. She looked at me with ferocity and derision. I begged her for a place to lay down and take a shower.
I get to her apartment and shut the door of my car. Immediately after hearing the click of the car door I realized that I had locked my keys in the car.

This sent me into a tail spin... I hadn't found anything that I had wanted to find. Just a cold woman, a crazy mind, and more trouble. I called the police and had them jimmie the door open. At that point I just wanted to flee.
I left a really nice note for Molly, explaining everything... thanking her for her hospitality... telling her about the luck I was having, etc... Then I got back in my car and began driving back to Arkansas.

I hadn't slept in over 48 hours and the majority of that time I had spent in jail and on the road. I had been dreaming about a bed for about five hours. I was less than an hour away from my apartment... I was salivating over the idea of soft sheets.

The Ozarks are a labyrinth of hills. not too high, but high enough that you have to drive around them. When you drive through the Ozarks you are either turning left, right, and going up and down. Someone not in tune with this kind of driving can get seasick.

I was speeding along, dreaming of sleep when I came around a bend. There, Fate had placed the last and final test for my sanity. There in the middle of a moonless night was a completely black calf right in the middle of the road. I hit it, full on. The calf was thrown to the side and my car was demolished (I loved that car). The police were called and the calf was shot. This delayed my getting home by another three hours. My car limped to my apartment and breathed its last.

The clencher for this was that the cop that took the report was the same cop who had given me a DUI the night before... so of course I had to go through all of the annoying tests... which I probably failed because I was so tired.
When I got to my apartment I hit the message button on my answering machine (remember when they had answering machines?) The first message was from Molly.... swearing calling me every name in the book. Evidently she had not gotten my note, the wind had blown through the window and blew it underneath her bed (Fate again). She said she never wanted to have anything to do with me again. She reversed course on this decision after she found the note. That is the end... How did you like it?