I'm glad no one checks this anymore

When now, and I hate my mind for thinking, for feeling, for going to places that are outside of my control. I think of her.... and that is what troubles me the most. that I don't have control. That I don't have the will to forces any kind of direction, even if I had a direction I wanted to move in. I told her things last night that the instant they were from my lip s, I wanted to scoop them up and eat them, as Saturn did his children. I'm scared that they may do just as much damage to me as his children did to him. I hate this hopeless feeling. Drugs, I could handle, for once you understand the drug and what it's doing to you, you can control your reactions. But this, this is something different altogether. This is being completely in the dark, knowing that there are two ways out. One of the doors leads to self loathing and depression, the other to bliss. I'm flinging doors open haphazardly, hoping that the recklessness of this action may lead to the right one. I've always been dialed in after being with a girl. Feeling that once I had the combination to her vaginal organs the heart would follow fast. Yet, this is not how I feel. I feel like I am holding on for dear life and praying that everything turns out right at the end.